SUPER MARITAL SEX COURTSHIP RULES: NEVER LIE
If you are courting now, or if you have accepted my invitation to re-court with your spouse by discussing the issues raised in this chapter, I suggest that the following five systems rules replace the hypocritical, distancing rules that you read at the beginning of this chapter.
Never Lie
Right from the beginning, tell the truth, nothing but the truth, so help your present or future marriage. Give the gift of self-represen-tation. Don’t even tell little white lies; lies of any color are still lies. In courtship, in marriage, and in every religious system in the world, integrity is the key. Remember the material in Chapter One on the “protective insult” and how damaging that can be to love. Some lies may maintain some marriages, keep them surviving, but they never make for a super marriage.
My colleagues suggest that it is unwise to disclose extramarital affairs. They say this is only a “guilt dumping” on the partner, a way of clearing one’s own conscience at the emotional expense of that partner. They say that the affair is irrelevant; just go to work on the marriage.
I say that such an approach is totally without support in the literature. It is opinion, and it helps a marriage survive, but not thrive. It will never work for making a super marriage, for super marital sex. It is just another form of the protective insult that can block the “psychasms” I will describe later. The question is how to deal with major problems in marriage, not how to cover them up and go on. Having sex outside of marriage is not irrelevant; it is a major obstacle to super marital sex, and that applies to extramarital sex of both Types I and II.
“There has never been anything like this in our marriage,” reported the husband. “We seem to be more open than ever. The honesty seems to be arousing, sort of a stimulant. I guess truth is an aphrodisiac. I carried that burden for so long and wondered why I felt incomplete in my marriage. Now I know it was because I was not completely in my marriage. It was a risk, but it was worth it, a risk for love. I took a risk for sex, had sex outside my marriage. At least I should be willing to take this risk for love.”
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Tags: General health